Mindfulness Changed Everything About My Sex Life

The mindful sex tools I learned years ago help me stay in the deepest flow of pleasure. You have this capacity, too.

The mindfulness tools I learned at the beginning of my sexual wellness journey are still the grounding skills I need to enjoy pleasure it its fullest.

And below you’ll find four primary mindfulness skills to add into your sex and masturbation, as well as three live experiences to help you bring the practices into your body: an edging practice, tantra + perimenopause workshop, and an orgasms workshop to rewire your capacity for pleasure.

For a long time, I had what I now understand as performative sex. Sometimes this was sex I didn’t fully want, but I said yes to out of obligation or pressure.

Sometimes it was sex that felt more focused on them, and my body was clearly a tool to be utilized for their pleasure.

Sometimes it was because I wanted to be a good girlfriend.

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The Myth of the Good Girl & the Good Wife (Not in the Sexy Way!)

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During those encounters, I would spend time in my head (thinking about tasks and my to-do list); other times I would be lying there, waiting for it to be over. Most of the time I was watching myself from the outside, performing the idea of pleasure instead of feeling it inside my body.

This was how I showed up in my yoga classes, too. I started practicing when I was 20, and I quickly became a very strong surfer-yogi who was hyper-focused on the performance of the flow (and how fabulous my shoulder-stand posture was).

It took me the better part of a decade to realize yoga wasn’t about the shapes I pushed myself into—it was about the breath and presence that flows within each yoga pose.

Once I started exploring Tantra and holistic sexuality in my late 30s, I realized that sex and yoga are pretty similar in that regard. How you show up—present, breathful, mindful—makes all the difference in the world. Whether you do yoga, run marathons like my husband, practice boxing, tai chi, martial arts, or other sports—or if you do none of those things and just want to focus on sex—I truly think mindfulness is the key to it all.

So what actually changed in my sex life? There are four primary things that are different now, which I now teach as the foundations of mindful sex.

The foundational practices can enhance both solo and shared sexual experiences. You don’t have to buy anything new or spend any money; just give yourself the time and space to show up for what you really want:

1. Mindfulness // Presence. So much of what blocks pleasure is something researchers call “spectatoring”: watching and judging yourself from outside your own body instead of being inside it. Many, many women struggle with this. And the solution is the simple (though not necessarily easy) practice of gently returning your attention to your body, over and over, until you’re actually in the moment instead of narrating it. You might choose to focus on breath, on sensation, on energy… but choose something within you that connects you to the moment.

2. Slowness // Stillness. Slow it down… then slow it down by half again. If you have a vulva, try playing with stillness when you let something or someone inside your body. Let the touch stop moving entirely and notice what arises in the stillness. If you have a penis, know that slowness might soften you, and that’s very okay. A soft cock has a whole world of pleasure available to it. And slowness and stillness offer us such deep wisdom, sensation, and exquisite pleasure.

3. Attention // Deep Focus. Real intimacy asks a simple question: am I actually here, with this person, right now? Not performing faux arousal, not checking something off a list… but really here, paying attention to your pleasure and their pleasure.

4. Intention // Directed Energy. How are you showing up to your sex or self-pleasure? To arouse, to nurture, to turn yourself on? Or to give yourself over to your beloved, in service of something deeper? Or to simply show up and have some orgasms? Naming our intentions sets the stage for a co-created sexual experience… a conscious building of what we want, together.

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Bring Mindfulness into Your Bedroom

Here are three ways to go deeper into your practice and cultivate more mindful sexual experiences:

[Read] My latest on Substack about a mindful erotic practice called The Staircase of Arousal. It’s an excellent practice for men and delicious for women to explore, too.

[Join] My free online workshop to talk about why deeper pleasure is the best medicine for your midlife transitions. On Saturday, August 1 (11am Pacific), we’re offering Tantra & Perimenopause. Join us online here, for free.

[Awaken & transform] For those ready to build a full practice around presence and pleasure, our online Multi-Orgasmic Journeys Workshop is a long-form paid workshop on September 12 (11am-4:30pm). Join us on zoom to rewire your brain and your body to explore the infinite capacity of your sexual expression. Join us online.

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Pleasure is medicine. And midlife is your reclamation era.

I’m Andrea Devon Bertoli, a Pleasure Coach and Sex Educator devoted to the erotic lives of women in midlife. My work lives at the intersection of science, sacred sexuality, and the slow, gorgeous practice of coming home to your body.

Here on Substack you’ll find thoughtful essays, embodied practices, and the kind of honest, warm conversation about sex and intimacy you didn’t know you needed.

On my website and online learning platform, I offer deep-dive resources, coaching sessions for those ready to go further, and alongside my husband, I host wildly popular workshops online + in-person in the Bay Area. Ready to journey inward? Send me a note to find out what is possible.

Welcome to Love in Adulthood… where you’ll tap into perimenopausal pleasures, sexual sophistication, and midlife intimacies for all.