Tantra & Perimenopause

Sacred sexuality and Tantra offer lovers deeply important skills like slowness, stillness, embodiment, intuition, and erotic liberation—all of which are necessary during perimenopause.

I started working in the realms of sacred sexuality as I was entering perimenopause, and the skills I’ve learned (and continue to engage with) have been deeply important during this transition. And as I sit with this idea, and bridge many aspects of my sex coaching work, the clearer it becomes that sacred sexuality generally (and Tantra specifically) is the medicine we need for perimenopause.

We know that perimenopause requires that we make adjustments in all aspects of our lives, including in our sex lives. Often, this looks like unlearning the things we’ve been taught, or the things we’ve trained ourselves to do—suffer through it, have sex we don’t want, not listen to our body’s animal needs in the moment, rush through sexual experiences, make ourselves smaller, and put our pleasure last.

(Which of these resonates with you lately, darling?)

And when we unlearn things, the necessary counterbalance is to learn new ways of being in our beautiful bodies. For some of us, this might be the first time we actually really listen to our bodies: saying no when needed, resting as much as possible, and finally tapping into self-focused pleasure. In fact, this can be a time of our greatest pleasure pivot and erotic expansion. Here’s to tapping into our deepest perimenopausal pleasures. ❤️‍🔥

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Perimenopause is not the end of your erotic life unless you consciously want it to be. If you want, it can be the beginning of something far more interesting.

If you’re like most women I speak with, you like sex quite a lot actually—but you don’t like the bad, uncomfortable, or obligation sex you’ve been having for years, or decades.

Your flavor might be different. Maybe it’s keep-him-happy-sex, or I-don’t-know-what-I-like sex, or I-can’t-ask-for-what-I-want sex. Or maybe it’s just not that good, but you never asked for more and your partner never really cared enough to learn how to pleasure you.

Some of you may be so damn tired during perimenopause that you want to tap out of sex altogether. For those for whom that is genuinely true, I love this for you. Please take sex off the table and be the most badass version of yourself you can be without sex.

But before you give up on sex entirely… I invite you into the flow of slow, sensual, sacred sexuality as a gateway to what’s possible in your body, for you.

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In the garden of earth delights…

Sacred Sexuality: A Path of Healing

The practices of sacred sexuality offer us a pathway into our deepest selves.

Sacred sexuality is the practice of bringing presence, slowness, reverence, and intentionality to your erotic life. Not only is this an antidote to the distracted, performative, disconnected sex that so many of us have been having for decades, it’s also a deeply healing path.

Far too often, we’re taught and trained (explicitly and implicitly) to perform our pleasure—don’t ask for what you want, go with the flow, but make sure it looks good and that you’re making the right noises. For a lot of us, sex happens in our heads—we’re spectatoring, watching ourselves rather than feeling or sensing. We’re questioning the moment—wondering if we’re taking too long, assuming that we are, performing an orgasm because it’s easier than explaining what we actually need, and waiting for them to finish.

Sacred sexuality asks you to consider how could this sex be more nourishing for my mind, body, sex, and spirit? What does it mean to really focus on my felt-sense of pleasure in my body? What do I really want and need in this moment? And if you’re inclined to the more spiritual side of it, how can this sex get me closer to god?

This is not only a reclamation of sensuality, pleasure, whole-body consciousness, it’s rooted in liberation—liberation from the shame, the constraints, the should-ing, and the pressures of what sex is supposed to be. It gives us a chance to question what can sex be for me, right now?

This works as actual medicine for the specific challenges of midlife intimacies, when everything you thought you knew about your body starts to shift, and you start to have less tolerance for the things that suck.

How Tantra Flows Alongside Perimenopause

Perimenopause has a way of changing everything inside and outside—and so does Tantra!

For many of us, perimenopause can be the fire with which we can burn off the things that no longer serve us. Yes, there are medical challenges that are very real, very important, and need various forms of care. I’m on HRT, and work with a collection of medical professionals for my particular set of peri challenges; in addition mindful sex practices are part of my medicine.

But here’s what else is happening in perimenopause: your body is asking you to really, fully pay attention… maybe for the first time.

Tantra asks this of us, too.

While a full examination of the Tantric spiritual wisdom is beyond the scope of this article, keep this as the takeaway: Tantra is a spiritual practice that makes space for sexuality as part of your beautiful wholeness. We are all expressions of goddess consciousness, and therefore our innate sexuality is good, healthy, and nourishing.

And Tantra is fundamentally a practice of self-liberation—getting clear and honest about who we are, feeling our range of wild human emotion, learning to really show up for ourselves and honor our deep human needs so that we can be free of what doesn’t serve us.

A quick note about language: sacred sexuality is a more broad term that embraces Tantric practice, but also includes wisdom from other practices and traditions, especially Taoism (in my work I also include mindfulness, meditation, yoga, therapeutic and somatic healing). So not all Tantra is sacred sexuality, but sacred sexuality often includes Tantra.

For a lot of us, perimenopause is the first time we’ve had no choice but to slow down and actually feel what’s happening inside us—emotionally, physically, and yes, sexually. The old habits of rushing through sex, bypassing our organic arousal, performing pleasure for someone else’s benefit or need, this will not work any longer. Whether it’s your body that will no longer cooperate with the performance, your pussy that can no longer tolerate the painful penetration or rough touch, or your heart that can’t stand being ignored—this is information for you to tune into.

And this information is a gift that can open a new space for sensual, sexual, embodied pleasure at the pace of trust, organic arousal, and safety.

Feeling into sensuality in nature is kinda my thing.

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Organic Arousal and the Scenic Route

I’ve been using the phrase “organic arousal” for a while now, speaking it into existence, finding the softness of it on my tongue. What this means to me is learning to follow the slow, complex, multi-dimensional flow of sensation and pleasure that happens in your body when you stop rushing toward a destination and start actually feeling the journey.

Arousal is not just wetness or hardness. It’s a rush of neurotransmitters, an increased heart rate, skin flushing, an awakening in the genitals that takes its sweet, beautiful time. It’s allowing the mental chatter to drift away as senses awaken and inhibitions release. It’s allowing your arousal to build as slowly (or quickly) as is true, and noticing how each part of the process affects the whole body. Full arousal is mental, emotional, physical, and yes, often spiritual. It’s the whole of you, coming online. Your body is likely craving this type of slow, mindful pleasure, especially if you’ve had years of performative or painful sex.

That doesn’t mean it’s easy to just flip a switch to this type of sexuality—most of us, including me, have a hard time receiving, slowing down, and it’s just hard to learn something new after years or decades of doing it another way.

Most of us learned to skip our own desire cues on the path to arousal. If we learned to masturbate, it was sure to be quickly and secretly, maybe with an intense toy, to get to the point, to not take up too much space with our pleasure. And in perimenopause, when lubrication changes, vulva skin becomes more sensitive, and the clitoral complex may not be as responsive as she was, we really need to approach sex differently.

This is where sacred sexuality comes in.

This means sex might now include rituals of connection, breath practices, embodied awareness, present-moment attention, a slower pace. These are not nice-to-have things: they are often a necessity for those of us learning our bodies anew. These (and other things I teach) are the very practical tools for accessing the depth of pleasure your body is actually capable of experiencing… and what you deserve.

Desire Is Self-Sustaining (But You Have to Feed It)

One of the most painful myths around sexuality is that desire should show up spontaneously, consistently, like a light switch. And when it doesn’t, we decide something is broken.

Part of the unlearning is understanding that desire is a living, breathing thing. It needs nourishment, space, and time to blossom. And sex has to be good for you to want it—there needs to be an aspect of craving, and you can’t crave something you don’t like. So especially now, during hormonal surges and shifts, your desire may need more support like the practices above.

For me, the magic of working with sacred sexuality in midlife is learning through my body and my desire again and again. Loving when I show up in my most sparkling, vibrant, sensual self… and loving the parts of me that look more like a pokey cactus some days. It’s knowing that my desire is often hiding under the busy, under the rush of things to do. When I slow down and listen to my body and her needs, I find that my pleasure is often hiding right under the surface. It’s the practices of slow attention, mindful touch, organic arousal, and embodied connection that help me come back into my newfound states of pleasure in this 46 year old body. And it’s my practice to remember that, again and again.

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Pleasure is medicine. And midlife is your reclamation era.

I’m Andrea Devon Bertoli, a Pleasure Coach and Sex Educator devoted to the erotic lives of women in midlife. My work lives at the intersection of science, sacred sexuality, and the slow, gorgeous practice of coming home to your body.

Here on Substack you’ll find thoughtful essays, embodied practices, and the kind of honest, warm conversation about sex and intimacy you didn’t know you needed. I offer deep-dive resources on my website, coaching sessions for those ready to go further, and alongside my husband, I host wildly popular workshops online + in-person in the Bay Area. Ready to journey inward? Fill out my New Client Intake form and let’s find out what is possible.

Welcome to Love in Adulthood… where you’ll tap into perimenopausal pleasures, sexual sophistication, and midlife intimacies for all.