Sexual Healing with Self-Pleasure

You have the power to awaken your pleasure, rewrite your sexual stories, to connect with your body. It starts with a solo practice, and you can begin right now.

A few days ago, I wrote about How to Have Sex in Perimenopause, with suggestions for solo sex, nourishing sex, and slow sex. I realized as I was writing that one, that the powerful healing aspects of solo sex belonged in its own post!

I think that most women would benefit from solo pleasure practice as they start to unwind their own sexual desires, wants, and needs. It absolutely can be done with a partner, but starting with yourself offers you a multi-part healing arc.

To be clear, partnered sex is great, too. I love working with couples and guiding them into this work.

You can live in a world where you get both! We don’t have a lot of models or experiences to guide us into solo sex, so let this be your intro on why masturbation is so dang powerful whether or not you have a partner, want a partner, and whether or not you have sex with them or not.

Let this be wholly about you, darling.

It’s me, in bed!

Taking on solo pleasure is an act of defiance in a world that tells us our body is for someone else, that our pleasure takes too much time, and that our arousal is complicated. Getting to know your own body, your own organic arousal, and who you are sexually is part of the reclamation we all deserve, at perimenopause and at all other times in our life!

One, you’re (re)learning your body and how she works.

If your body is changing in perimenopause, you’re learning your body anew, each day. And this will translate into sex. This might mean figuring out new types of touch, toys, trying different lubes, exploring sensation, or being open to other positions. Touching yourself will help you notice how your orgasm builds slowly but then cascades into multiples, or maybe you flow into a long, meandering orgasm. Or perhaps you can’t orgasm yet, and your body needs more time to soften, turn-on, and let go. I think all women are capable of orgasms, though we may need to find your unique pathways. We have many.

Learning how your own organic arousal moves in you gives you knowledge about what to ask for in partnered play; it helps you remember that you are not broken, damaged, or taking too long. Your turn on might take 20, 30, or 45 minutes to arrive. That’s your unique speed, and it’s perfect.

Two, turning towards solo pleasure might be the first time you’re actually giving to yourself, instead of the over-giving, over-functioning, people-pleasing that we’re often working with.

I suggested a 30-minute pleasure practice to a friend, and she balked. How about 15, I suggested afterwards. I know that time is precious. And I know you’re worth taking the time to drop in, feel more, and be with yourself.

And finally, it can help you confront stories you might have about your body, your sex, your arousal, your fluids, your genitals. Culturally, we’ve been told that our bodies are gross, dirty, or ugly; some of us have been told that directly from lovers. These hidden hurts may be lurking in the background of your mind, even if less obvious in partnered sex, when we can focus on someone else. But in solo sex these may rise to the top of our consciousness to be felt, noticed, and healed.

Adding to that, many of us carry shame and stigma, especially about women’s solo pleasure. If you have a trauma history, whether physical, religious, cultural, or familial, it’s best to seek the support of a sex coach or sex therapist to help you on your journey. It starts within you, and sometimes having support along the way to get to the root of the STUFF can be deeply impactful. Be sure to seek out a sex-positive coach or therapist, as most therapists are not trained in sexuality. If you need support, I’m here in my capacity as a trauma-informed sex coach. Sex can be a beautiful pathway to healing if held carefully and mindfully, and everyone is worth the process of exploration.

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Pleasure is medicine. And midlife is your reclamation era.

I’m Andrea Devon Bertoli, a Pleasure Coach and Sex Educator devoted to the erotic lives of women in midlife. My work lives at the intersection of science, sacred sexuality, and the slow, gorgeous practice of coming home to your body.

Here on Substack you’ll find thoughtful essays, embodied practices, and the kind of honest, warm conversation about sex and intimacy you didn’t know you needed. I offer deep-dive resources on my website, coaching sessions for those ready to go further, and alongside my husband, I host wildly popular workshops online + in-person in the Bay Area. Ready to journey inward? Fill out my New Client Intake form and let’s find out what is possible.

Welcome to Love in Adulthood… where you’ll tap into perimenopausal pleasures, sexual sophistication, and midlife intimacies for all.

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